All the Quotes
Just tryin’ this out…
Each place has its own advantages - heaven for the climate, and hell for the society.
An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and becomes a host, and then a master?
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, bigotry, and persecution.
What influence in fact have Christian ecclesiastical establishments had on civil society? In many instances they have been upholding the thrones of political tyranny. In no instance have they been seen as the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wished to subvert the public liberty have found in the clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just government, instituted to secure and perpetuate liberty, does not need the clergy.
This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.
I don't think we're here for anything, we're just products of evolution. You can say 'Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think there's a purpose' but I'm anticipating a good lunch.
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
I turned to speak to God, About the world's despair; But to make bad matters worse, I found God wasn't there
I was born a heretic. I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows.
And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerve in the brain of Jupiter. But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors
All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.
It is easier to suppose that the universe has existed for all eternity than to conceive a being beyond its limits capable of creating it.
Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
George: Great Scott, sir! You mean… you mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darn good British-style thrashing, six o' the best, trousers down?!
Blackadder: If you mean, are we all going to get killed, yes! Clearly, Field Marshall Haig is yet about to make another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
George: If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Darling: Look, I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Blackadder: So, your father's German, you're half-German, and you married a German?
Blackadder:You mean, how did the war start?
Baldrick:Yes, sir.
George:The war started because of the vile hun and his villainous empire-building.
Blackadder:George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick, a cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out. The one that they've been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in '98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it's a dragon.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!
* [Dick Cheney blames the defeat of an energy bill on the absence of Kerry and Edwards to vote on it]
So let me get this straight, you control the White House, both Houses of Congress, and the Supreme Court, and your administration has closer ties to the energy industry than any administration in history, and those two blockheads stopped you?
We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.
[Regarding Terri Schiavo]
So if you were wondering just how sick you have to be for Congress to improve your health care...
What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
* Stephen Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."
Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".
Stephen Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler loving queer?
Think about it Jon, the terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on Election Day. If we did that, we'd be playing right into their hands.
On 11 states' approval of gay marriage bans]
So congratulations...you rocked the vote, and smeared the queer...OH DO YOU THINK WE MEANT IT?...But in the end, these ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!
Finally, Americans have found a political problem that they are willing to come together and do something about. No, not terrorism...close, it's telemarketing!
I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif! With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me.
Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.
It's like sex, except I'm having it!
Racetrack PA announcer: And the winner is number three, in a quantum finish.
Professor Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!
Nibblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss
T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall
T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide
Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great they have these new cookies at the cookie stand you have to try 'em they're awesome.
T.S.: [S]he calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary
Tricia Jones: I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...
Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Ahh, uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home.
Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.
I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge.
Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology; obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient" It must have sounded like, "Leave. and do other things."
So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But here's the problem newbie, it ain't my problem.
Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this as the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.
You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever then the only one your going to be able to contend with around here is yourself, and when you really get to know that person, oh dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
And you, you one-woman freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.
You know Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... Oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob. The tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle and dragged him to the ground where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless.
Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings.
Congratulations, your DiMaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive.
Should I call you a cab, or should I just whistle for the flying monkeys to bring your broom around?
Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute!?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.
Mazer Rackham, Enders Game (Orson Scott Card)
Welcome to the human race. Nobody controls his own life, Ender. The best you can do is choose to be controlled by good people, by people who love you.
Mazer Rackham, Ender's Game (Orson Scott Card)
Ender, Ender's Game (Orson Scott Card)
Then I’ll tell the truth. We're allowed to do that in emergencies. We can't plan for everything, you know.
Col Graff, Ender's Game (Orson Scott Card)
It was a lie of course, that it wouldn't hurt a bit. But since adults always said that when it was going to hurt, he could count on that statement as an accurate prediction of the future. Sometimes lies were more dependable than the truth.
Geeks like to think that they can ignore politics, you can leave politics alone, but politics won't leave you alone
I don't have a problem with someone using their talents to become successful, I just don't think the highest calling is success. Things like freedom and the expansion of knowledge are beyond success, beyond the personal. Personal success is not wrong, but it is limited in importance, and once you have enough of it it is a shame to keep striving for that, instead of for truth, beauty, or justice.
I could have made money this way, and perhaps amused myself writing code. But I knew that at the end of my career, I would look back on years of building walls to divide people, and feel I had spent my life making the world a worse place.
Prior art is as effective as US soldiers in Iraq: They control the ground they stand on, and nothing more. I used to say Vietnam, but, well, you know...
Value your freedom or you will lose it, teaches history. "Don't bother us with politics," respond those who don't want to learn.
Medical marijuana grower and activist Steve McWilliams killed himself last June, rather than face 6 months in prison with no marijuana to relieve his chronic pain. If you are ever in a situation like this, don't kill yourself in private. Make your death itself be a blow against the tyrant. Plead innocent; then kill yourself in the courtroom, with the jury and journalists watching, after defying the judge by shouting, "I'm a medical marijuana grower. You were going to make those 12 honest citizens your tools for evil, but I will save them from you. May my death be on your conscience for as long as you live."
Giving the Linus Torvalds Award to the Free Software Foundation is a bit like giving the Han Solo Award to the Rebel Alliance
To avoid horrible confusion, please pronounce the G in the word GNU when it is the name of this project.
GNU is not in the public domain. Everyone will be permitted to modify and redistribute GNU, but no distributor will be allowed to restrict its further redistribution. That is to say, proprietary modifications will not be allowed. I want to make sure that all versions of GNU remain free.
All intellectual property rights are just licenses granted by society because it was thought, rightly or wrongly, that society as a whole would benefit by granting them. But in any particular situation, we have to ask: are we really better off granting such license? What kind of act are we licensing a person to do?
Every decision a person makes stems from the person's values and goals. People can have many different goals and values; fame, profit, love, survival, fun, and freedom, are just some of the goals that a good person might have. When the goal is to help others as well as oneself, we call that idealism.
If you want to accomplish something in the world, idealism is not enough--you need to choose a method that works to achieve the goal. In other words, you need to be "pragmatic."
And if cynics ridicule freedom, ridicule community...if "hard nosed realists" say that profit is the only ideal...just ignore them, and use copyleft all the same.
While free software by any other name would give you the same freedom, it makes a big difference which name we use: different words convey different ideas.
If in my lifetime the problem of non-free software is solved, I could perhaps relax and write software again. But I might instead try to help deal with the world's larger problems. Standing up to an evil system is exhilarating, and now I have a taste for it.
The War on Drugs has continued for some 20 years, and we see little prospect of peace, despite the fact that it has totally failed and given the US an imprisonment rate almost equal to Russia. I fear that the War on Copying could go on for decades as well. To end it, we will need to rethink the copyright system, based on the Constitution's view that it is meant to benefit the public, not the copyright owners. Today, one of the benefits the public wants is the use of computers to share copies.
Religious people often say that religion offers absolute certainty about right and wrong; 'god tells them' what it is. Even supposing that the aforementioned gods exist, and that the believers really know what the gods think, that still does not provide certainty, because any being no matter how powerful can still be wrong. Whether gods exist or not, there is no way to get absolute certainty about ethics. Without absolute certainty, what do we do? We do the best we can. Injustice is happening now; suffering is happening now. We have choices to make now. To insist on absolute certainty before starting to apply ethics to life decisions is a way of choosing to be amoral.
Instead of worrying about what somebody else is going to do, which is not under your control, the important thing is, what are you going to decide about what is under your control?
You know you're brilliant, but maybe you'd like to understand what you did 2 weeks from now.
Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*"
Note that nobody reads every post in linux-kernel. In fact, nobody who expects to have time left over to actually do any real kernel work will read even half. Except Alan Cox, but he's actually not human, but about a thousand gnomes working in under-ground caves in Swansea. None of the individual gnomes read all the postings either, they just work together really well
Modern PCs are horrible. ACPI is a complete design disaster in every way. But we're kind of stuck with it. If any Intel people are listening to this and you had anything to do with ACPI, shoot yourself now, before you reproduce.
There are literally several levels of SCO being wrong. And even if we were to live in that alternate universe where SCO would be right, they'd still be wrong.
Let's put it this way: if you need to ask a lawyer whether what you do is "right" or not, you are morally corrupt. Let's not go there. We don't base our morality on law.
Which mindset is right? Mine, of course. People who disagree with me are by definition crazy. (Until I change my mind, when they can suddenly become upstanding citizens. I'm flexible, and not black-and-white.)
Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
The more don't cares you have, the easier your life becomes
We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domesitic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and estbalish this Constitution of the United States of America.
Only in America would a muslim and an agnositc decorate a christmas tree and sing christmas carols together.
The old lie: Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori!
He went to Vietnam because as a young man, he thought that was the right thing to do. He saw what was going on in Vietnam, came back, threw his medals away, changed his mind. Is it wrong that a guy goes to the slaughterhouse and comes back a vegetarian? Isn't that what thinking people do?
Politically, it's always been advantageous to divide people, to make America a place of warmongers versus wimps, elitists versus morons, gun nuts versus people with normal size penises. The only problem is, it's not true. Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror.
It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up [for the army]? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
A broad river divides my lovers: family, duty, fate. As unchangeable as nature.
"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."
There are no atheists in foxholes' isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes.
Robert Sherman: "Surely you recognize the equal citizenship and patriotism of Americans who are atheists?"
Bush: "No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
The saddest thing about religion is what is lost. Religion, or more accurately, I suppose, the appropriators and exploiters of religion, have taken our purest impulses of solidarity, compassion, celebration of the wonder and mystery of our lives, and turned them against us. This, most of all, is why I reject religion: so that I can reclaim these impulses for the causes they deserve... love and justice.
Propagandhi, Canadian Punk Band
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever the right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established.... Morality is then surrendered to the groundless arbitrariness of religion.
Which is more dangerous: fanaticism or atheism? Fanaticism is certainly a thousand times more deadly; for atheism inspires no bloody passion whereas fanaticism does; atheism is opposed to crime and fanaticism causes crimes to be committed.
An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the god question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question.
Did you know that the most beautiful thing upon bursting forth
from the snakelike snarl of city commuting was the site, in the distance,
of the first of the rolling hills that pose themselves as mountains
in the distance beyond the highway?
Did you know that they call to you?
Do you know how hard it is to stay on course with such things assaulting your eyes?
Vote to stop abortion; receive a rollback in capital gains taxes.
Vote to make our country strong again; receive deindustrialization.
Vote to screw those politically correct college professors; receive electricity deregulation.
Vote to get government off our backs; receive conglomeration and monopoly everywhere from media to meatpacking.
Vote to stand tall against terrorists; receive Social Security privatization.
Vote to strike a blow against elitism; receive a social order in which wealth is more concentrated then ever before in our lifetimes, in which workers have been stripped of power and CEOs are rewarded in a manner beyond imagining.
Thomas Frank, "Whats the matter with Kansas"
The problem with Wikipedia is that it only works in practice. In theory, it can't possibly work.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, give a man religion and he'll starve to death while praying for fish.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; give a man free access to the sum of all human knowledge and he'll learn a whole lot more than just how to catch fish
Heard at a Maryland hearing regarding gay marriage:
Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr.
Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about
that?"
Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU: Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed
your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.
The room erupted with applause.
Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU.
DBG: I think reading makes you smarter.
Me: No. Thinking makes you smarter. Reading just gives you more to think about.
The secret of Big Macs, and all other food served at McDonald’s is that they’re not very good, but every one is not very good in exactly the same way. If you’re willing to live with not-very-goodness, you can have a Big Mac with absolutely no chance of being surprised in the slightest.
The other secret of Big Macs is that you can have an IQ that hovers somewhere between “idiot” and “moron” and you’ll still be able to produce Big Macs that are exactly as unsurprisingly bland as all the other Big Macs in the world. The process for making food @ McDonalds has been specified and documented to the Nth degree.
Jim Thompson, commenting on Armed and Dangerous Blog
A: Do you love me?
Q: I do love you. And I have to go poo.
A: Oh, you think I'm poo!
Q: The only thing you have in common with poo is that you're both necessary.
A: Thats the most romantic poo-related comment anyone has ever given me.
4. A Star Trek quiz: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?
2. The Holodeck. I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.
5. Rule by committee. Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:
Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."
Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
Getting Eaten by a shark:
If you’ve been eaten by a shark and you’re anyone other than a survivor of a shipwreck a la the USS Indianapolis… where was your head? As far as preventable deaths go, this is right at the top. It’s not like sharks go wading ashore to attack sun-burned white people at the beach. Human beings were not put on this Earth for the purpose of swimming around in the Gulf of Mexico within range of primordial beasts with giant teeth. They’re there. We’re here. Why not keep it like that?
Getting shot by someone in the A-Team
These guys couldn't hit a goddamn thing. They'd hang out the back of that sweet van and unload thousands of rounds without ever hitting anyone. If that is any representation of the ability of our armed forces in Vietnam, it is no wonder we lost. If you get shot by Hannibal, Face, Murdock, or BA, you are either extremely unlucky or the fattest evil henchmen who ever lived. In any case, we can be certain that the "A" does not stand for "Aim".
Like Terry Schiavo
Starving to death after having been kept alive for a decade while your husband and your parents fight over whether or not to keep your useless body alive long after it doesn't work on it's own and your brain is mush, and having been exploited by every fucking news broadcast in the world. Not to mention having soulless politicians use you as pawn to gain votes from stupid fundamentalists.
When it comes to writing an expository essay on counterinsurgency tactics, I'm of the old school.
First you tell them how you're gonna kill them, then you kill them, then you tell them how you just killed them.
John Hogdeman, The Daily Show
Exactly! I develop a lot of LAMP systems from scratch. I like developing LAMP systems from scratch. But Wordpress, when appropriate, is a terrific system. Being chained to Wordpress -- it's like being chained to Keira Knightly. You snap your fingers and say, 'Darn' with as much sincerity you can muster, but then you can just enjoy being chained to Keira Knightly.
KLS: Now you are something of a rock star in tech circles...
LT: I don't notice that in normal life. I don't actually go to that many conferences. I do that a couple of times a year. Normally I am not recognized, people don't throw their panties at me. I'm a perfectly normal person sitting in my den just doing my job.
Linus Torvalds, in a CNN interview
"Preventive war was an invention of Hitler. Frankly, I would not even listen to anyone seriously that came and talked about such a thing."
President Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
I actually count as a Christian--depending on who you ask. A lot of Christians would deny that I'm one of them, for instance. My Christology is quite Gnostic. But the "Christ" your average evangelical Christian is identifying with is not the same Christ that lived and died two millennia ago.
Christianity turned its back on that Christ a long, long time ago. So, if "Christian" refers to a follower of Christ, I'm most certainly a Christian. If it means, "one who follows the set of doctrines set by Paul and the Emperor Constantine to undo everything Christ tried to accomplish," then I'm the opposite of a Christian. All depends on what the word means, which no one seems to be able to tell me.
Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.
As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.
Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
“Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading pornography.
95% admitted to reading the Bible.”
TV is not vulgar and prurient and dumb because the people who compose the audience are vulgar and dumb. Television is the way it is simply because people tend to be extremely similar in their vulgar and prurient and dumb interests and wildly different in their refined and aesthetic and noble interests.
Faith (belief without evidence) is a virtue. The more your beliefs defy the evidence, the more virtuous you are. Virtuoso believers who can manage to believe something really wierd, unsupported and insupportable, in the teeth of evidence and reason, are especially highly rewarded.
MSNBC is launching a series called "Models NYC", which will follow a dozen beautiful young women as they struggle to wear clothes and walk in a straight line.
Now that liberals have taken back the word liberal, they also have to take back the word elite. By now, you've heard the constant right-wing attacks on the "elite media", the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of the washington elite, a subset of the east coast elite, which is overly influenced by the hollywood elite. SO basically, unless you're a shit-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists....I don't get it. In other fields, outside of government, elite is a good thing. Like an elite fighting force, Tiger Woods is an elite golfer. If I need brain surgery, I'd like an elite doctor. But in politics, elite is *bad*. The elite aren't down to earth like you and me and president shit-for-brains. Which is fine....except for the fact that every Bush administration scandal, it always traces back to some incompetant political hack appointment.
Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!
"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race."
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
So computers? I hear they basically break down to a bunch of ones and zeroes. I don't know how that means I can see naked women on my screen, but God bless you people.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal.
The most preposterous notion that H. sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.
Talking to god is delusion.
Hearing god is schizophrenia.
Believing it is madness.
Acting on it is insanity!
The difficulty lies, not in the new ideas, but in escaping the old ones, which ramify, for those brought up as most of us have been, into every corner of our minds.
Very few people choose their religion, even though most think their religion is the best. Most are infected in childhood and never throw the infection off.
When a Republican candidate makes a mistake, it's a "misstatement." When a Democratic candidate makes a mistake, it's a "critical blunder that has jeopardized the campaign by alienating voters in the critical swing states."
How the Right Wing Can Always Correctly Know What Americans Want
The right wing is unfailingly able to describe, at any moment, without any evidence required, What Americans Want.
That's because anyone who wants something other than what right wingers want is Not American.
Q.E.D.
El Cid, Glenn Greenwald Commentor
APC: Out of curiosity, do you have anything to say to hardware manufacturers who refuse to release datasheets or specifications about the functioning of their hardware so it could operate with the Linux kernel?
LT: Is "I hope you all die a painful death" too strong?
(Referring to a recently passed bill on flag treatment) It looks like it was written by a 3-year old...I mean, if you read the lines of code...
Podcast, n. A downloadable file tarted up to sound like new-media.
Islamocommienazis have hijacked the Red October! This is all your fault, Beauchamp! (I substitute Clinton, in my head, because WTF is Beauchamp? -q)
Bubblegum Tate, Balloon Juice commenter
This is being passed around at my department right now. The general consensus involves an interrogatory ending with a word that rhymes with a common waterfowl.
Mike O'Risal, commenting at Phryngula
If the Government is a car setting out to give every one a ride to work, then for 40 years the Republicans have been puncturing the tires, pouring sand in the gas tank, stealing the distributor cap, and, whenever they can get their hands on the wheel, driving it straight into the nearest ditch and then, pointing to the wreckage as the tow truck backs up to it, saying, See, this proves that people were meant to walk. And they do this so that they don't have to chip in on gas.
