2009 Introspection

Last night, before going out with friends to celebrate the new year, I started to think about this last year. It has been a hell of a ride. I got a job in germany, moved to germany, decided not to stay on at my job in germany after some strange happenings with the contract, got my old job back for a raise, and have started the process of moving back. I’ve met a few very cool new people. I’ve seen four new countries. I’ve met relatives that I didn’t know I had and I like a lot.

By most American standards that I know, I’ve had a hell of a year. In a single year, I’ll have increased my income by 30%, and I was already doing really well, especially for my age. My net worth has quadrupled. I’ve done things that many people never get a chance to do. I’m leading a silver spoon life, and I’m loving it.

But in a lot of more personal ways, 2009 was not a good year for me. It exposed, rather abruptly, a number of character flaws that I’ve developed. I don’t know if these flaws have always been there, and I just hadn’t accepted them, or whether they’ve developed over time.

I have come to rely far to heavily on those around me to provide motivation to do things. Whether improving myself, or even just making sure that I see the sites and have a good time, I’ve become someone who seems to need to be entertained, and needs other people to provide impetus and direction. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking to be around other people, but I’ve never been a fan of NEEDING outside entertainment and outside influence to make your life worthwhile, and I seem to have slipped into that existence.

I came to germany with the intent of learning the language, of being a good international citizen and meeting people from other countries with other perspectives. With little exception, I failed on both counts, and pretty miserably too. I let the fact that the folks around were, when american, not terribly interested or active in learning german, and when german, in this area, not interested in working with me, dissuade me from learning the language, which made me less eager to get out into this country. Perseverance fail, personal fail.

Professionally, I’m doing ok, but I know I could be a lot more aggressive and productive about the shop. I do well, but I’m let the apathy and the situation drag me down more than I should’ve. I also passed up a very good chance to learn a lot more about oracle, which would’ve been helpful for me on a number of levels. I failed to make a marked improvement in the attitude and productivity of my shop, as well. There is a bright spot here…I feel like I helped some of the young, new guys in the shop make an improvement in their prospects and their work.

Finally, through a combination of negligence, willful suspension of belief,and plain selfishness, I hurt some people, and there is no excuse for it. One of my least proud years, really.

So…2009 wasn’t a bad year, but I need to do a lot better, personally, in 2010. I need to gain some work ethic, some perseverance, and some perspective. (I know there’s a p word I could’ve alliterated that with, but I can’t quite get it right.)